dress soliloquy

I’ve started shopping.  If you know me very well at all, you know that shopping is something I do by necessity, not because it’s something enjoyable.  Some people (Someone comes to mind) LOVE to shop.  Someone volunteers to shop for me all the time.  I’m grateful.  Since we’ve been married, we’ve never even once run out of paper towels, toilet paper, ketchup, laundry soap, or any other of life’s necessities.  That aspect of being married has been a definite positive for me. 

What am I shopping for?  *sigh*   *** really big sigh *** 

I need a dress.  Not just any dress.  Buying a dress is tough enough, but buying a mother-of-the-bride dress is daunting.  Just Google mother of bride dress and take a look for yourself at the stuff that pops up.  Lord, I just want an ordinary dress that is not too dowdy and not too flashy and not too ridiculously ornate...she’s getting married...we’re not joining a circus, and I sure as hell am not the one getting married.  Perhaps if I weighed 60 pounds less, I could see myself in one of those sleek little sheath numbers, or something flowy and romantic, but those styles are not happening on this body.  No way.  Perhaps I just need a Harry Potter invisibility cloak.  A decision has to be made within the next few weeks.  Really, I should probably just take myself to a dreaded mall and try some shit on. 

Women’s clothes are always modeled on young, pretty women who are what...size 2 or 4 perhaps – tall and leggy to boot.  So yeah – any dresses look fabulous on them.  But then you get somebody like me, and take that same dress in my size (what...something between 10 and 16...because women’s clothes are like that), well it might as well be an 8X for what it looks like on me.  This may be one of those cases where we need to go to a mall that has a bar...and have a few drinks before trying to shop...I need a designated driver, for sure. 

Part of the issue too, is that I am a tightwad.  The worst kind, so my brother tells me.  For both of my weddings, I bought a dress that I was sure I’d wear again for another occasion.  Never.  A dress worn in a wedding, no matter what it is or looks like, is always a wedding dress...or so it seems to me.  So, when I splurge on a dress for Sarah’s wedding, will I wear it again?  Surely Erin and Emily will get married someday.  Probably the dress will never be worn again; let’s be real.