Friday, March 22, 2013

fade to black

A very dark mood has moved in; the old lady needs a very long vacation away from the world. I wish it were possible to walk away from everything for a few weeks or months. Things have just been so hopeless lately, but not in the sense that my life sucks or that me or somebody I care about is facing something horrible. It’s more that here I am trapped in this time and place, and shit happens regardless of what I want or think. It all comes back to not having enough control of things. Thank God I have no control, because it’s very likely I’d screw everything up if I were the one in charge of reality. My mother-in-law insists everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe it.

The board came back yesterday with four pages of complaints. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to wait the full 41 business days to be rejected. It’s all stuff I can fix, it’s just going to be tedious. No doubt the changes will make my paper better. I’m just tired of it all, and to the point where I sometimes wish I’d never started down the road.  I’m tired….obviously. Nevertheless, this weekend I’ll be digging into it all again. *sigh* **SIGH LOUDER**

But I was in a bad mood even before reading the email from the board. I’ve been annoyed with all of mankind lately, and animalkind too. Varmints got into our garbage cans two nights ago. They turned the cans over, got the lids off, and dragged the trash out all over the garage. We had a lot of trash because Someone didn’t set it out for the garbagemen to collect while I was out of town. To make matters worse, Gracie has dragged the trash out into the yard for the whole neighborhood to see. We have garbage all over our yard and nobody (such as Someone) is offering to clean it up. I could just order him – like – “Hey get off your lazy ass, go out there and pick up the trash.” Maybe I should hold the TV remotes hostage until the trash is picked up. I could be a Grade A bitch if I wanted to be. Maybe Someone really wants me to be mean to him.

I don’t want to be a bitch. Just let me be invisible…and have everything go my way. Is that too much to ask?


linda said...

Be a bitch. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how nice a female is it is always expected that deep down she is a bitch in hiding.

You might as well be a bitch. Whatever a bitch is anyway. Anytime a female tells a guy what to do then she is a bitch.

My husband, bless his darling helpful self, would quite happily do his own thing for ever and a day if I did not do the "bitch" thing and tell him what I want him to do.

Since I did almost 2 years of therapy I rather enjoy being a bitch now and then. Or, let me rephrase that, I rather enjoy asserting myself. Let others call me a bitch.

I really hope you feel better sooner rather than later. It is such a horrible thing to be "black of thought", it seems to last forever. It feels very hopeless. I get that feeling of wanting to be invisible, the only problem is that the rest of the world remains very much not invisible.

Things don't happen for a reason. Things just happen. Then they shit you. aarrgghhh.

KYLady said...

Linda – thank you for your kind remarks. When I get too bitchy, I threaten to divorce myself. Things will get better. They always do, sooner or later.