Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ugly Truth

I checked into my classroom – it’s another 8 week session of one-on-one with my mentor. He’s already posted a greeting to me. I didn’t reply yet. What do I say? I feel sick to think about what I will tell him. The truth? “Hello Dr. Chairman, I quit working on my proposal because no company will give me permission to do this F’ing study. Nobody I’ve talked to has enough balls to make a decision. I didn’t pick another topic because I don’t want to F it up again and I’ve been too busy getting wasted most nights. Not only that, I F’ing hate this field I stuck myself in, and now I forget why I’m here. Sincerely, ….Loser”

I guess I’ll be thinking up something less direct and less truthful, and post it tonight.

If I could have started college thinking I could do whatever I wanted, I would have been a scientist of some sort. How cool was Jane Goodall’s work? I would be content to live in the jungle with gorillas and chimps - FOREVER. Or maybe, a plant geneticist working on a super strain of rice, or gigantic corn plants. Maybe a pyrotechnician!!! So, I got a Bachelor’s degree in a field where I knew I could get a job and make enough money to live on. I thought, OK, business is generic and computer science is kind of like science. I won’t have to work with people and computers are going to be around for awhile –I was half right. I almost dropped out twice because of financial issues. I prostituted myself (sort of), ate out of garbage cans, worked some God-awful jobs, begged, and very nearly joined the military just to get finished. Then what, a master’s degree too? Only because the company paid for it – I pretty much had no interest in any class I took in the MBA program, other than one self-directed research class. I wrote about implementing a Ku-band satellite communication network for a SCADA system – this was a project I was working on for work – so combining school and work was super-convenient. Then what - I started a doctorate in management. I hate managing anything, I don’t want to be a leader, and I’m burnt out on everything related to my job. It’s obviously true, I have sausage for brains. I don’t even want to think about what happens if I finish this mess successfully and then can’t find a job I like doing. Maybe I’ll just move to the jungle and disappear.

So enough of this gloom! Look at my corn plant (more correct name is Dracaena Fragrans). It got a big bloom – I’ve never seen a bloom on one until this one. It’s pretty special, yes? It just sort of sprouted from the end of a stalk…and I wonder how it will die…or what happens to the stalk it sprouted from? Maybe the whole stalk will die. I guess I’ll be finding out eventually.


Sarah Wood said...

Mommy your corn plant is magnificent! Save me some seeds and I'll have a big corn plant to watch over my spider babies.

They're very disappointed in their new life. I planned on having them in the kitchen with constant love and attention. But Thomas, as you saw, has more digestive plans for them. So they're in the spare bedroom on the windowsill...lonely. At least they have eachother.

Mommy, you need to grow a pair and pick a topic. If you hate your potential F'ing topics as much as you seem to, then F 'em! Find a way to enjoy your dissertation and quit punishing yourself!! You're calling the shots here!

KYLady said...

Thanks! That bloom stalk grew almost a foot longer since I took the picture I posted. It's amazing how fast it's growing. As far as harvesting seeds...I'll have to see about that. It might be easier just to buy you one at Lowe's. The one I have is just under 6 feet tall - it was rescued from the other building when we moved offices. I bet it's at least 30 years old (meaning...slow growing).

Molly and Jack nibble on my spider plant that sits on the kitchen table. If you can get them rooted,you could plant them in a pot and hang it from the ceiling. They aren't likely to much a hanging plant. I plan to move mine to the porch and hang it when the weather warms enough.

As for my F'ing dissertation and lack of male anatomy...I can't just do anything. The IRB and ARB have to approve, as does the chair of my program. The study has to be in the field of management and technology and be something business leaders would care about. It can't involve children or prisoners or people with unusual circumstances. Lots of rules.

Hey - thanks for reading my blog. You must visit it 30 times a day (according to the stats :) - stalker....get a life! Teasing...it's like writing documentation at work - writing for the bit bucket because nobody reads it.