Wednesday, March 16, 2011

me tree

Work has been hell this week.  I took off time last week to make warp-speed progress on my dissertation proposal.  I did do a lot of research but the writing aspect was….not….just not happening at all.  Anyway, I had like over  1,000 emails and 40-some trouble tickets to wade through when I got back after a weekend and 4 business days off.  I’m still drowning (this is all in addition to my scheduled commitments for this week).  I had thoughts of escape today – I was thinking of turning into a tree and disappearing into a large forest…I doodled a bit during a dreary phone consult.  There are woods behind my office building, but if I’m putting down roots, it has to be far away from here.  When I was a little kid, I used to pray to God to change me into a tree.  Nobody expects anything at all from a tree.  They don’t have to do anything but be what they are and be where they are.  It sounds like a perfect life. 
Chapter 1 is still in progress, currently finishing up the background of the problem section which should be a very easy part, and I’m struggling with it. What is the problem with me with this?? Basically, I’ve about decided I really just hate leadership…the whole topic of it doesn’t interest me at all. Why is that? It must be because I’m not much of a people person. Leadership is a people-related thing. I don’t like making decisions and don’t much care about making decisions for myself or anyone else. Of course I do make decisions all the time, sometimes I even agonize over stuff when I have trouble making a decision. When Jerry asks me where I want to go to dinner, I always say anywhere is fine. Why do I always say this? Two reasons: 1) I really don’t give a shit, and 2) if I pick anyplace other than one of his two favorite places, he will pout about it all evening. Rather than have me guess where he wants to eat, I just let him pick. It’s so much easier!

So, how is it my dissertation deals with leadership when I hate it so much? BECAUSE…it’s the only way I can think of to avoid getting permission from a company that will include something I am interested in – near miss incident management. The truth is, I don’t even care much about management. What I really like is incident investigation, but whatever topic I choose for my dissertation has to deal with business, information systems or technology, and have a leadership component. It’s a good thing I’m stubborn or I’d never get through this damn thing.

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